carleesiano

Before I start, I just want to say that this post has nothing to do with my boyfriend. People always assume that whenever someone is upset, they'll say it's love.

You know that feeling when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired of someone's attitude? And then you take actions into your own hands, because you could no longer depend on that person to get things done? Usually people would just go along with it, until the end. The person will learn his or her lesson from this. Humans learn their mistakes, the hard way. That is why sometimes, we do this to make them realize their mistakes.

So what's the problem?

I'm weak.

Why? Because, when someone starts make appeals on why they're not wrong. . .I can't help but give in. Even though I know, there are times when these kind of people are just pulling out the sympathy card on me. This is why I can never stay angry long. This is why some people never hesitate to step all over me again and again.

I will always have sympathy for people. I try not to most of the time (this is why I appear bitchy). But I just can't go on with any plans on teaching anyone lessons, the hard way.

But the hardest part is, I don't know many people who would do the same thing for my mistakes. Maybe I sympathize with people a lot because I know how it feels when people don't give you the chance to explain yourself.

And you know what's even worst? It's easy for people to judge me when I do these kinds of things. Because they heard only their friend's side of the story. But just so you know, it was hard for me to do it. And it is still hard now. But I thank you for judging me. Because you made me realize, some people are not worth giving chances to.

And another lesson learned; not everyone is worth my sympathy.

Do you know how it feels when the one thing you hoped so hard to happen, finally happen but it ended up being worthless in the end? You wished long and hard, and you told that one person about it. . .and they just turned their back on you. Will you start thinking that all of this were never meant to be in the first place?

I don't really have much to say today. Afraid that I might end up saying I might not even mean, and regret it later. The heart isn't in the right condition today . . . It's in so much pain.

I was talking to HN last night about things and I said something, that I could never bring myself to say before. "I deserve to be happy." Don't everyone? Or does happiness only works for a nice person? The bad people in your life don't deserve happiness? Because they're bad? To you, maybe. 

Bad people, good people, we're all humans who deserve to be happy. I see people, I consider not very nice, being happy. Happiness has its price. It could mean you've to let go of things or people you wish to keep forever, hurt people, and many more. Sounds bad? Why? Because when you gain happiness, you're suppose to gain it the 'proper' way? Towards the end of the day, you know you can't please everyone. It is nearly impossible to please everyone when you want to be happy. There will always be those that can never be happy for you, for whatever personal reasons they might have against you. But this doesn't mean you don't deserve to be happy. 

I'm happy. Because I've HN who can be sure of me no matter how hard things get for us. Maybe his ways of showing that he cares aren't very conventional and he can be pretty harsh at times. But he was there and he still is. I have friends who will never leave my side even though we don't talk often. Because true friends don't need to communicate 24/7 to maintain a 'good friendship'. We will always be there for each other, without feeling taken advantage of. I have good people in my life. Even though there are times I focus on the bad ones, and have a tendency to dwell on the hurt they've cause, I appreciate the good people in my life. Because they make me happy.

I deserve to be happy. 

Acceptance. 1. The act or process of accepting. 2. The state of being accepted or acceptable. 3. Favorable reception; approval. (Free Online Dictionary). 

Have you ever dislike anyone and end up being friends with them after, and then finding out later that you never will truly like this person? Or do you have a friend that you have known for a long time but never really accepted those he or she chose to be with? Or being in a bad situation and finally coming to terms with it, to realize later that you will never get over it? 

The smallest things can make me realize why I can never like someone even after knowing the person, or not accepting a friend of an old friend's, or getting angry all over again over event in the past I thought I had chosen to forget. 

I know what it's like to be in a position that makes you feel special, but there will always be people who won't accept you for being in that position. Because I'm not the best person to be in that position. I am too much of this, too much of that, not enough of this, not enough of that. You'd think I would never do that to another person in the same position as I was and still am. I could probably have a little compassion for those people, but I sometimes forget. And then when I have days when people make me an outcast, it reminds me of those I treated like an outcast. The worst part is, I don't have any good reasons that could justify my actions.

If you're forced to face these situations, would you have regretted those times you treat others the same way? Or would you retaliate and make them look bad? I am disappointed with myself right now. Because I can't be the best person to fill in any position to people and I let it get to me. I let it eat me up slowly inside. I forget those who love me for me, despite there are those in their lives that never accepted my presence. No matter how difficult I get at times. 

Quality, and not quantity. The quality of the people is a lot more important, than a high quantity of fakes in your life. How do you remind yourself this, so you won't get screwed again in the future? Not only by others but mostly importantly, by yourself. We can't keep blaming other people for our failures, when there is a moment that determines the outcome of the whole thing. Acceptance of our mistakes, why is it so hard for us to come to terms with? 

I'm sorry this post is all over the place and a bit confusing. It's December and I'm usually emotionally tired and out of positive energy I supplied myself with earlier in the year. I guess I need a good break. I'm hoping for a great semester next year. This depends on whether I am good enough to be accepted there. . .

I hope everyone is doing great. I hope not everyone is as emotionally exhausted as I am. . .

And to one of the people that love me even though I'm a shitty person. . .Happy Birthday. I love you, HN. Thank you for loving me for me, when not many people can. . .

So negative . . .

Full of sadness . . .

But I couldn't find any pity left for you . . .

You bring everyone around you down. You want us to understand your problem but you never fail to make our problems small compared to yours. We have to sacrifice many things for you but never once have you ever appreciate any of our efforts. We helped you the best we could but what do we get in return? "The things you do will never come up to par to what I've done for you." I'm tired of your negativity. You have so much hate in you that it's making everyone in your life despise you. It's all about you. Your problems matter. Your sadness is important. You are the one that help us move forward in life. I want to tell you that, these statements are not true. We are fine without you. You have dragged us down far enough . . . 

I wish I could say all these to you so you can just disappear from our lives. Make everyone happy with your absence. You've someone that is dear to your heart right? Someone you consider more important than us . . . Go to her and never come back. We're exhausted with your bullshit. 

You made me lose things and people that make me happy but now I'm doing things for me. I won't bow down to your silly rules and negativity. I hope that one day you'll realize all the pain you made people go through. That is one of the reasons why you can never be happy; you put people down on purpose because they refuse to conform to your "perfect" ways. 

Leave. 

Have you ever had people who just stopped talking to you without knowing what was really going on? And then you just feel really angry and start bringing up their faults? Or even went on the whole "let's turn people against him/her" game? Don't you think it makes life a little like high school? Or maybe, life is high school. Except when we get older, things turn bigger and a lot more worse than the original high school. And high school was really bad.

Sometimes people just need time to breathe. When I feel like some people do that to me, it hurts. A lot. But what can I do right? I get tired of people's antics at times too. So the least I could do is try my hardest to set aside my anger and just try to understand. Although I'm not the best at understanding people, doesn't mean I don't try. Because I know that the negatives won't make me feel any better. There are times when I "spoil" myself with negative rants. Even if they don't last long, it doesn't make it the right thing to do. 

When I pull myself away from people, it doesn't mean I'll be gone forever. I just need time to tear myself away before I say things to hurt them, simply because I feel suffocated with their behaviour. Just because I don't show or say it, doesn't mean I don't feel hurt about it. Imagine having a friend that likes to take out their mood swings on you. Or someone you least expect to bash you behind your back. Yes, these things piss me off more than anything. The least anyone can give me is some time away. To breathe. . . 

Why do I need time away from people? Because I still care. I care about the friendship I share with these people. Would I want to break the friendship with words I say out of frustration? I don't just tear myself away because of a one-time thing, they build up inside of me over a long period of time. And the last thing that made me walk away is the most painful. 

That's the thing with friendship; people can hurt you a lot more than the rest depending on the depth of the friendship. How much emotional bond you share with the person. How much trust you put in that person. No one is going to ignore for no reason. Don't take advantage of the people that tolerated with your antics. . . I do this at times too. And I always end up hurting myself for making those that I care about go through the bullshit I put them through.  

I don't mind if anyone is going around making people take sides and saying all these things about me. The least I could do is tell them the reason why I do what I did. I don't expect anyone to understand but if I've the chance to explain myself, why not take it. I tried and that's all that mattered. 

 Hello, this is probably the darkest post you'll read from me. For today is the day I open up most of my thoughts and feelings to you. Why most? Why not all? Because I don't think anyone can handle these thoughts and feelings that I've kept for years. . .

First of all, I can never be good enough for anyone. This is because I'm nothing more than a robot. I am a robot chases other people's dreams and happiness. I have disregarded my happiness for a long time. Sometimes I seek for company because I get pretty lonely. Have I ever truly love anyone I was with before? Yes. Once. Not long ago. But I was wrong to think I could choose to be happy. I will still chase other people's dreams but I could at least be happy for myself. This happiness lasted for quite some time. I couldn't recall any time in my twenty one years of life, where I was ever that happy. I got complacent. I forgot that I was nothing more than a machine. I got hurt. So bad right now I can't function like I did before. . . I have accepted the fact that someone like me, who has been treated as a robot doesn't deserve to chase my own happiness. I was born to chase the happiness of others. 

Secondly, I am a mistake. No matter how hard you try to make me right, I just can't be right. I can't make myself right either. Because I have come to terms with the fact that I'm a mistake. Sad isn't it? Am I being too hard on myself? Am I seeking attention by degrading myself? Am I fishing for compliments? I wish I could say yes to at least one of those questions. But I can't. I am good but not good enough to be one of the best. 

I am thankful I was given the chance to feel love. Even if it was just once in my life. I don't know how I will feel about love in the future but at the moment, I'm just too broken to think of the possibility of loving anyone but myself. I don't regret opening up to the love that came to me. It hurts. Especially right now. I was so happy and I felt like I was worth it. I felt like I deserve to be loved. A year plus of happiness and now I'm being paid a year plus of torment. I deserve every single ounce of this misery. As a punishment for forgetting my place. 

After all this, I need to resume my duties as a robot. I have no say in my life. I have no rights to choose what I want out of this life. I should be thankful to those who made me this way ever since I was very young. Because I may be nothing but they see me as something. Even if it's just someone who can be controlled easily. . .that is something for me. I should stop the tears. The feelings. The thoughts. Just stop them all. And be a robot. 

Thank you for all the support I've been given all this time. You guys didn't know any better. You guys weren't aware of my unworthiness. As broken as I am now, I will try to fix myself again like I usually do. Maybe I won't be whole again but I've other people's dreams to chase. . .I can't stop now. 

 Every good byes hurt. Whether its on good or bad terms. But the hardest good byes are those that are forced. Both parties still have deep feelings for each other but are forced to separate. . .Circumstances just won't let them be together for now. So will there be a future for them? Who knows right?

Today I've bid my farewell to him. I still have feelings for him and he still have feelings for me. But at the moment we can't go on with this relationship. . . I'm not going to lie but I cried. I cried so bad, I couldn't stop even if I want to. I'm not excited at the idea of letting him go but I have to do this right now. For his sake. I love him too much to see him that way. 

I will always be there for you. . .Even though I can't be there as a girlfriend but I can be your friend. I know it won't be the same. . .and it breaks my heart too that we won't be the same. With time maybe, we can resume what we had. I just hope that I can be strong for the both of us during this time. . .if you ever find someone better, someone who can make you love her more than you love me now. . .don't let her go. You deserve to be happy. I will always have a place in my heart for you. . .

I'm not going to stop the tears. I'm just going to let them fall today. . .because you are worth every tears I've shed before and up until now. I love you. . .

 Do you ever have thoughts about someone you like (who happen to be in a relationship with somebody else) being with you? To the extent where you think it is fine to flirt with them even though they're obviously taken? "Hey they're still single. It's not as they're married!". Well yeah, but have you ever think about what their partners will feel? Even if it wasn't your intention, have you ever think about how your actions may be misinterpreted by people?

Another thing; have you ever hear or witness for yourself, the person you like in a horrible situation (like arguments or in a silent-treatment phase, etc) and think that you could be the one to save him or her from the torture the partner is giving that person? To think "Oh they're always fighting so he/she (the partner) won't be around for long", is that right? 

I understand that if one isn't married or probably engaged, it is not wrong to try to make that person yours. However, how much respect do you have for other people's positions? So many people do this to guys or girls that are in relationships they are aware of. But when other people attempt the same thing to their partner, would they be pleased? The problem here is, we don't think of other people's positions. I do this too at times without knowing it would cause any harm. After a while, I realized that I should be more careful with the way I treat people.

I am not saying that we should just stop any kinds of communication with the person but it doesn't kill to tone it down, yes? Things change when one person commit him or herself to a relationship. They don't have to be bad but once you learn how to respect other people's positions then we all can probably get along. But how many of us can be so noble to give that amount of respect? Will you just ignore their partners presence just to satisfy your hopes on something uncertain? 

I must admit, I am quite ticked off at the moment. But really, I am just a girlfriend. The person I am with isn't the type that would listen to me blindly without any good reasons. He is pretty much free to do whatever he pleases and I have no intention of controlling him. So the only thing I can control is my dissatisfaction towards those who fail to acknowledge my position. But I am only human. . An emotional being. I have feelings that could easily be hurt. So easy you don't even have to try so hard or many times to put me in this mood.

I admit that love can influence people's decision but he is not one to dumb himself down simply because he's in love. This is a fact that those who claim to know him must know. Probably have known a long time ago. It may seem to you like he is being foolish when I throw tantrums, but he is far from that. And I am very happy that finally I found love that doesn't have to make any one of the party involved to be stupid. But is there anyone willing to be truly happy for their friend's happiness?

"It all goes down to who knows the person for the longest time". Is this true? Is this applicable all the time? Must we have the desire to tear people away from those we love? Is it necessary to compete with each other for one's attention? 

I do apologize if I come across as being possessive or forbidding towards anyone who feel like they have to create distance with him. But you must know that I've been in this situation where people COMPLETELY IGNORE my physical  presence whenever I'm with him. Over and over again. If people could ignore my presence physically, they could ignore me in many hurtful ways. Like I said, I get hurt easily. . . I have forgiven so many times, telling myself that those instances weren't intentional. Even the strongest person break down every now and then, didn't anyone think I would?  Or does that make anyone's day to see me this way?

This post is probably one of the most honest post I've done so far. . .I apologize if I offended anyone, it is not what I want to achieve. I just need to let them all out before I start taking it out on those that I love and end up hurting them. This heart has been aching for days and I don't think I can go on another day feeling like this. Again, I am very sorry. 

Woke up this morning with tears in my eyes. Now I'm about to go bed with tears in my eyes. My heart feels heavy. My mind keeps telling me to be strong but my lips say words that give away my state of weakness. 

I am telling myself to try even harder but I let myself cry now, so when the time comes I will not cry. I am afraid. Afraid that I couldn't be strong enough. Afraid of finally feeling the absence. Maybe it isn't because I can't be strong but because I refuse to be strong. I think at the moment I feel that if I can't be strong then someone else can do it for me. I should stop. . .If I can't be strong, I would have to face bigger and more painful losses. 

How can we ever measure the strength in people? How do we know we're prepared? Will we ever be strong enough, to the point where we won't cry anymore? Does it make us weaker if we cry, even if it's just one day? It is hard enough to stay strong for yourself but who knew it is a lot harder when you're trying to be strong for others. I am at the point in my life where I have to do this. . .but for today, just let me cry. I promise tomorrow I'll be stronger. I promise tomorrow I'll try harder. . .I will not be afraid.

p/s : I would be really angry if what I'm currently feeling at the moment is all because of PMS. . .